Bridging the Gap (From the Other Side)

OK OK I LIED ABOUT DOING IT ASAP BUT I DID IT EVENTUALLY DIDN'T I? DON'T HURT ME. (refresh your memory)

I had to do a lot of interviews for this, and then it's really hard to translate grunts into words, but I've done my best.

Thorne 
Prime location for food and hook-up strategizing. Practice ends and (unless you're on the hockey team) you head straight to Thorne. You grab as many noms as possible then sit with the team. Make sure that any potential hook ups see you sit with your team, assuming you won that week, because then you won't have to make awkward conversation with them before the inevitable hook up. Average dinner varies between 45 minutes and 2 hours, the amount of reading you have doesn't matter because who the fuck does readings? Other things to be aware of:

The Quad

Great for a quick chay sesh with the bros. Or for our British viewers: Cor! Smashing for a slight bum around the old pitch in our knockers pip pip! And that gets rid of the British viewers.










Hawthorne and Longfellow Library
Unfortunately d3 athletes have to do their own homework, so this is where we go when we have to nerd it up. Luckily, Bowdoin's broads have figured this out as well and also often are there just waiting to get a glimpse of us. A good one-two punch in terms of locking down a hotty for the weekend is spitting some game at dinner then laying some pipe in the stacks after. In case anyone has a desire to bring back icing, it's all about the location and H&L would get you mad daps.

First Year Dorm (Hyde, Winthrop, Appleton, etc)
Back in the day you used to throw down the sickest pregames in your room and after the 30th run in with your proctor he'd just let it slide. As an upperclassmen, however, you're either taking down some of the fresh meat or more likely so black out drunk that you didn't remember that you don't live there anymore and your card won't let you in, no matter how many times you swipe. #firstworldproblems

Smith Union

Conveniently, the C-store is right next to Buck so protein bars can be pounded right after swole-ness has been achieved, maximizing muscle gain. Also my mom sends me cookies :)

Buck

Home from August 31 til May 20th. If you're not at practice, eating, slaying betches, pooping, or other doing other cool shit, then you're in the gym getting your swole on. Yea I fucking grunt when I get my swell on at the gym, cuz everyone should see how jacked and tan I am. What's cardio you ask? The fuck if I know. The only problem with Buck: the dumbbells only go to 60 pounds. Who do they think I am, Spongebob?

On second thought, not bad at all.

   

Farley Field House 

Where hell exists for every teams preseason. 300 meter time trials?! IN UNDER 60 SECONDS?! What are we, painfully mediocre high school distance runners? There's not a single weight machine in sight, and the dumbbells only go up to 20 pounds. What is this, a center for ANTS?!?!? 

Close, but no cigar. Never a cigar. It'll decrease your aerobic capacity.

Pickard Theater

Once a year, every year, our beloved Jeff Ward gathers the athletes of Bowdoin to review our athletic goals for the year and to congratulate last years performances. At the top of the list is always beat Colby and Bates at everything, blah blah easy. Then he goes on to say how great every team is and how this senior class is the best class yet, although he's gonna have to start lying after 2014. Trainer Dan gives his concussion spiel, and then it's one last night of drinking before classes start. Because then all the nights will be spent drinking while classes are in session, duh.

The Biggest Leak of Pepperflips Idea in History

And we shall call it Pepperflippergate. The list came from when a certain Dad pepperflipped a certain Dobby that he couldn't pepperflip for a week. The reasons behind the flip were malicious and cruel: I had been averaging 50% for flips for the past 3 days, and he decided fun time was over. He also made the week "happen" to come right before spring break, turning it into a 3 week hiatus. Infuriated, I made a list comprising of over 50 outrageous pepperflips that I would do to Greg. Luckily for Greg, he killed my streak and survived what was certain to be one of the great public humiliations in Bowdoin's history. (sidenote: I didn't hit a pepperflip after that spring break until earlier this year)

Without further ado, I present the list. They were all aimed at Greg, so some will seem weird and oddly specific or just make no sense, but others can work for anyone (see: get arrested). Hopefully you put this to the best of use, just like my hero would.

Greg Flips

Greg can only walk by taking two normal steps then skipping. For 2 days.

Greg can only talk to Holly in Spanish, including texting, for 4 days.

Greg has to wear 25 bracelets/silly bands/Livestrong/etc at a time for a week.

Greg has to shave his left arm and right leg.

He has to ask Coach for relationship advice with Holly once she leaves school.

For dinner, Greg can only eat banana peels and ice cream. Drinks: mayonnaise.

He has to ask for or get, and receive, specific amounts of foods that are hard to dish out in specific numbers; ie 17 rice, 8 penne, 22 pieces of lettuce, etc.

Greg has to dunk his nuts in his cereal then offer the rest to someone who doesn't know he put his nuts in them.

Sit alone. For every meal. For 3 days.

Greg has to wear a tie and a v-neck every day for a week.

Greg has to go to class wearing normal clothes, and leave in his track uniform.

Greg has to do Marcus' homework for a week.

Greg has to wear sunglasses at all times for 37.5 hours.

Greg has to shave his pubes into either an arrow or a top hat.

Greg has to get arrested.

Greg has to sun tan, face up, only in white short shorts, on the quad, after taking Viagra, on the first day after spring break.

Shots of Tabasco sauce.

Make and put up posters advertising himself as the next Neeks.

Wear Uggs for 3 days in the week of April 23-30th

In any run less than 7 miles, it must be done solely around the quad.

Using the track team email list, Greg has to give a thought of the day every morning for two weeks. 

Greg has to get a temporary tattoo on his forehead. Scrubbing it off is not allowed.

Greg can only use a knife at dinner.

Everything must be sprinkled with 7 shakes of a pepper before being ingested.

At sundae Sunday's or sundae Wednesday's, Greg has to fill a cup with chocolate syrup and drink the whole thing

Greg must help Hermione and Harry collect the Horcruxes, and then cock block Ron from marrying Hermione. But instead of taking Hermione for himself he has to marry Lavender Brown. If I can't have Hermione, no one can.

Greg must carry a broom between his legs for a day, making whooshing noises as he "flies" around campus.

Greg has to do a beer mile.

Every time Greg goes to visit Holly, he has to text Nick "I'm a silly little bitch". Indefinitely.

Greg has to make an anatomically accurate penis out of a single banana.

Greg has to change his profile picture to Holly.

Greg has to buy a pregnancy test and a single coat hanger at Hannafords.

Greg has to whisper notes to himself whenever someone talks.

 Greg has to make a scene in Thorne...in a diaper .

Greg has to call coach at 9:30 on a Thursday and ask him how to remove a pickle jar that his hand is stuck in.

Greg can only wear the boxers that don't have a button (i.e. shows his penis a lot) in his room without his pants for 4 days

Greg must eat meat with his hands, bread with a fork, vegetables with a knife, and fruit with a spoon. Drinks can stay in cups.

All shirts worn must be either sleeveless or red.

Greg has to do a talent in next years freshman talent show that involves yogurt.

Greg has to wear glasses without lenses for a week. At all times. That includes working out.

Greg has to initiate midslap Monday's for the track team for the entire season. SUCKS!

Greg has to send an informative PowerPoint to the team on Darwin's Theory of Evolution.

Greg has to change his name to Cool Cat on Facebook

Greg has to "fly" around Thorne in a tooth fairy costume (will be provided) and put dollar bills (will be provided) on peoples seats when they get up to get more food/tea/ice cream.

Greg has to take an ice cream cone, fill it with cottage cheese, offer it to a random girl. He must get her to take it.

Greg can only eat skittles for dinner.

Greg has to go up to a girl and say "you have the cutest outfit and are the most huggable here but I bet every guy says that to you".